Someone is missing

I have much to be grateful for.  And I am.  So grateful.

I am trying to reach a place of feeling satisfied.

Trying to ignore the intense feelings that there is ONE MORE.

Where do these feelings come from anyways?  I was thinking five years ago that it would be an impossibility for me to adopt again.  It wasn't that I didn't feel I had the resources, emotional, physical, financial but that there were too many barriers to overcome with those in control of adoptions.

Then out of the blue it happened.  April 2009.  I felt the urge to call the local agencies to tell them that should they have a situation arise that they had no waiting families for that we would likely be that family.  It just seemed from that moment on there were 'signs' everywhere that I was on the right path.

In five years there has been four close calls but alas none successfully made it into my arms.

I have been asked how long will I wait.  I have no answer for that.  Certainly logistically with my age there would be a time where it doesn't make sense anymore but I guess until that time I will sit as an expectant mother.

For sanity's sake I have to get into the mental state whereby if no new little person joins us that it is ok.  This leaves me in a bit of a quandary and what one would maybe call a midlife crisis.  Yes I have a busy life caring for my large family.  There are appointments, meetings, illnesses and emergencies to respond to.  When there is not however I think that there is something more for me to be doing.  If I am not raising a new baby then what should I do with the rest of my life?  I have no one at home during the day.  I sure as shootin can't hold down a job as I would be completely unreliable and of course employers expect you to keep their hours not the ones you set out.  They're funny like that....
That leaves volunteering.  You would think that volunteering to cuddle sick babies etc is where I should go however in checking into that there is not a current need.

The long and the short of it is I am trying to gain a sense of control and well being in my life.  I am very much in love with my family and I continue to do my best to offer them the best that life can offer.  It feels perverse when I have so much to still want more.  It feels like someone is missing.  It's a hard concept to explain but that is the best I can do.

Someone is missing.